I thought I'd start off with a picture of Peyton's new digs. They upgraded her to a crib from a specimen tray.Yesterday was a tough day. Lots of Peyton crying. Lots of sitting on the sideline unable to console my daughter. I debated whether or not to post about this, but here I am writing, here goes.
I kept fluctuating between feeling incompetent as a dad and irritated by the inexplicable cries of my daughter. Rationally, I know its too early in the game to judge the final outcome of me as a father. Yet every time I found myself irritated, it felt like another another failing grade on an exam.
By the time I got home, I had shrivelled emotionally to the point where Rayna could see it physically. My fuse was so short I felt like a ticking time bomb all night. I don't recall exploding, thankfully, but it carried over to this morning with my dog acting as though he'd forgotten all his training over the last year. I was short with Rayna and Wayne too (more so than my usual non-morning-person self). I'm sorry, you two.
God, speak truth into these emotions. Give me peace and understanding with Peyton. Grow me in patience and allow me to experience grace and express it better. Allow my sleep to refresh my perspective.
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Karl, running a range of emotions with a new child is totally normal and does not reflect poorly on you as a parent. Hearing non-stop, inexplicable crying is hard and emotionally draining. Wondering, what's wrong, is there anything wrong, do they hurt, are they frustrated or sleepy or just crying to see if anyone is paying atteniton. It runs on your nerves and makes you wish you could read minds. But then there are those precious moments when they do calm down by your touch or by your voice or they give you their first smile or they stare at you intently and makes you remember how blessed you are that God allowed you to take care of this little person for a short time here on earth. God will give you peace and patience when you need it and you will have to continue to try to remember that God will not give you more than you can handle. As for taking it out on people, this will come and go in spurts but you will master channeling those emotions into something else. Karl, you are so diligent in the word and in wanting to raise Peyton in a Godly home that you will inevitably be a good father. I hope this helps or is encouraging. Ya'll are in our prayers.
ReplyDeleteRachel Schilhab
Hang in there Karl. Parenting is tough and you don't have all the answers. I remember when Kaitlyn was a week old and your mom was in town visiting. Kaitlyn and I were struggling with the breastfeeding and she had gas. We never would have what to do if someone wasn't there. Even to this day, Kaitlyn still cry's and I am unable to console her at times and it breaks my heart. In time you will be able to fix everything in Peyton's life. To me parenting isn't easy and it takes a lifetime to perfect it.
ReplyDeleteIt is wonderful to see Peyton in a crib and doing so well.
Love,
Jennie
What a blessing to see Peyton improving to a point that she can be upgraded to a crib! Karl, the early days, weeks, months, and years of parenting are difficult under the best of circumstances. You, Rayna & Peyton have certainly not started your parenting journey as anyone would have wished. It takes time to get to know your baby, to recognize her cries, and to respond to her needs. Peyton's surroundings have changed, and they will change yet again when y'all get to take her home. It's a lot of adjusting in a short amount of time. Your family is with you, your friends are with you, and, most importantly, the Lord is with you. Lay your burdens at His feet, and let yourself be comforted so that you may be a comfort to Peyton, just as Jesus has been a comfort to Peyton during the days that y'all could not hold her or touch her. You will move forward in this journey, and you will probably count more days of frustration and inadequacy than you ever expected. But the moments (seconds, even) that you get to experience your daughter's smile, coo, or watch the breath enter and exit her lungs will carry you further than any failure will weigh you down. We are lifting you up in prayer.
ReplyDeleteYeah Peyton! Way to strengthen your lungs with your cries. :)
ReplyDeleteKarl, with every child I handed him/her off to Drew (who sleeps through anything) in tears and went to the garage or basement where I couldn't hear the cries so I could sleep. You have this instinctual desire to provide everything for Peyton, but when you are powerless it is very frustrating.
When you are weak then you can be strong.
Praying for you three.
Karl is being Karl We love you just the way you are mood swings and all . I couldn't ask for a better son in law keep it up.
ReplyDeleteLove Wayne
Oh, Karl. I feel for you. Those first few weeks are tough. Hang in there! Accept any and all offers of help. Get what sleep you can. We will keep praying for your family!
ReplyDeleteLook, a bubble dome so Peyton doesn't climb up and fly out of her crib. hee hee.
ReplyDeleteDon't forget that Peyton's been knocked out for awhile, she's got to get used to sensations, stimulations, lingering pain, and a hunger drive. She's crazy empathic, Peyton feels your stress intuitively (just as she feels your peace intuitively). Forgive yourself, show yourself some grace, and strongly consider sleeping in one morning and at some time have a real moment alone with mama. You are not being bad parents; rather, you are accepting grace so you can replenish (a tiny bit), forgive each other, and be ready to care for Peyton. Doctors orders, seriously, b/c I love you 3, and this is what I do.
=)alice
Oh, some more practical things to try with a post-op baby while she transitions, if you like. Keep it low stimulation: not too bright, not too loud, talking in low-normal is ok and is very soothing. Loud tv or music is not. Keep it mostly quiet. Hold her firmly & don't jostle her. A firm touch or hold settles her. If you have a hard time swaddling her, go ahead and bring those velcro swaddlers (washed) from home. Jostling or jiggling may hurt her incisions. While she's learning to feed, know that this is hard work for her. Don't talk too much to her, distract her, or rock her. She'll be distracted and want to socialize with you when she's suppose to be eating.
ReplyDeleteKarl, Welcome to fatherhood and at that welcome to fatherhood of an infant. Don't knock yourself. You are starring at yourself under a microscope and not giving yourself any slack. That is the Karl I've always known. Ease up and let yourself make mistakes. THat is probably one of the biggest lessons we can teach our kids. How to screwup, ask for forgiveness and then move forward and try to do better. Fortunately, our Father is there to guide the way. Peace brother.
ReplyDeleteHow far you all have come in a week. It is so remarkably wonderful to me that you are here, now, instead of where you were Easter Sunday... Peyton is strong enough to cry, to react to the new world around her, and to feel. Gone is the exhausted baby just trying to breathe. These are good problems to have!! This is such progress. I vividly recall this time last year when Sabrina would sometimes just cry and cry (this was from about 1-4 months old). Sometimes I could solve her issue with a change, a new toy, or a meal, but sometimes she was just too tired to rest which is what she needed. Other times I couldn't figure it out, and the best I could do was try and be there to listen, and hold her close if she'd let me... Since crying was her only way to communicate with me, I figured that sometimes she just needed a sympathetic ear. The world is such a loud and busy place for a little infant. It's no wonder they get overwhelmed at times. I know you still have a hard road ahead, Karl & Rayna, but this is the raod you want to travel, loving Peyton and helping her become a whole, strong, and healed young baby. And God is so proud of all of you...as is your network of friends and family. :)
ReplyDeletemissing sunday's post! how is she?
ReplyDelete